the last day of 2012

twenty twelve has been one hell of a year for me and i am glad that it's finally coming to an end.
things were happening so unbelievably fast and i had a big problem dealing with what was coming, what was thrown into my face.

i like roller coaster ride (lie) and i have never been a fan of thrills. it's just not what i'll go for if given an option. well, it's the same for everyone isn't it?
we got rewarded with bumps and bruises along the way but at the end of it, we survived.

i want to thank people who have been standing by me all the time, when i was going through shit (at least to me)

lemon mummy, poppy, jiejie and korkor:
thank you mummy.
thank you papz.
thank you jiejie.
thank you korkor.
that's all that i can think of.
no amount of words can express how thankful and lucky i am to be a part of this wonderful family.
i love all of you, so so so so much.

ohnmar:
i owe you, big time. but then again, you are my bestest best best best so i shall not be too formal with you. it has been a pretty tough year for you too and you have always been there for me whenever, wherever despite your hectic college life and i really thank you for that ohnzi.
you are one of the few that i'd say, 'i don't know what i'll do without you' to you. i wish you well in whatever you do in twenty thirteen and the many years to come. please remember that i'll always have your back too.
i love you forever and i know it's forever because i'll never want you out of my life.
p.s. you still owe me all the sympathy hugs in the world!
cannot wait for you to be back xoxo.

lynette:
the girl who's so good with words. thank you for always telling me the truth; instead of telling me what i want to hear, you'll always tell me what i need to hear and i am topdown thankful for that xkl. i am glad we still bump into each other from time to time in school! the short catching up here and there and the occasional whatsapp chat with you were all really enjoyable. haha the short, malicious gossips... (if you know what i mean hehe) you need to know that i will always make time for you and even though we don't hang out as often as before, i dont want anything to change between us.
i hope this friendship of ours will never cease, since thirteen and still counting!

joei:
the happiest girl i've met so far in my life and i think the 'happy-go-lucky' charm is really doing more good than bad to her. thank you for standing by me with you chirpy-self and thank you for being such a wonderful friend. i hope you'll find the one you deserve because you and i both know that he'll come by eventually. the best thing in life happens when it's the least expected right? you need to work on your smile cuz i haven't seen you smile genuinely in a long long while now!

sylvia:
innocent and true, still living by faith and hope right girl? hehe i know you well enough to say this, don't i? i am so glad that you've found your beau and the fact that you are so happily in love makes me really happy for you too. thank you for always trying to say things and laughing at most things that i have shared with you girls (even though that makes me wonder if i am really that funny of a person) hahahaha. please know that i will be here to hear you out if you have anything bothering you.
stay strong and fit, woman!

jols:
we really need to meet up soon.
the soon is never going to come right... like what joe always say! we have so many things to talk about.
i will haunt all of you down if we don't get to meet next week, swear.
nevertheless, i still love all of you.
stay beautiful and stay lovely, always.
here's to our many years of sweet and loving friendship to come.
*chink chink*

dan:
i thank you for always telling me the truth, even when you know it'll hurt me. i hope you'll get over xx soon and i want to see you happy. correction, i want you to be happy. like i've said, i'll always be here to talk about things that don't make any sense at all and things that matter of course. you and i both know that this friendship is special. and please throw that wallet away, it's really ugly.

clipclip:
i never knew you boys are such wonderful bakers! i make sure we'll open a bakery when we retire in the future. even though i secretly think that we still need to hone on our skills just a little more. hehe. we'll get there. thank you for supporting me and my fragile little heart whenever i need it. the care and concern you guys have shown really touched me. and we better hear some news from ah de before we ship nandhini in! pardon me for repeating this all the time.
i'll always have time for you guys, even if it means losing my free time. cannot wait for our first ever chalet together! may the love continue to do wonders to all of you.

greta:
i know we didn't talk at all, earlier half of the year and i am so glad we are finally talking again. it will never be awkward between us, will it? thank you for always saying nasty things when you know i need to hear them. i know you don't mean most of it (i hope not)! i love your hugs espcially when i cry, like the other time. and i know i haven't been there for you and i am truly sorry for neglecting this friendship of ours. i hope you'll still see me as a keeper in your life cuz i'd do anything to stay in it.
21st. i am suddenly reminded of the stupid lesbian pact we made in the past. haha, i miss you and i know you are not the kind who will say mushy things so i shall save my breath.
do know that i won't want to lose you lee shu qi, ever again!

lihui:
hey you, nonsensical and mentally unsound girl! remind me, why am i thankful for having you around again? oh the calculator.
hahahahah! it's a joke, i'm joking. thank you for knowing when to be serious when i need you to hear me out and i know we didn't spend as much time as before but i want you to know that i take this friendship seriously and it'll break my heart if we stop talking.
i am really proud of you that you've made it into ntu even though all of us know already know you are capable of that. i hope you and veggie boy will end up together and i'll be ur pretty vegetarian bridesmaid (greta too!) can't wait for tuesday to arrive!

huijuan:
what happened to 'no drinking'! please take good care of youself and don't drink too often okay? i don't want you to harm your health girl. i am happy we are still hanging out even though... yeah we both know what happened. i hope things will be smooth sailing for you next year. i still cannot bring myself to believe how many freaking thumbdrives you have in your bag. i am amazed, for real!
i hope you will find mr right soon cuz trust me, it's their loss to not see what a darling you are.
stay safe and stay lovely!

yonne:
ah time to unleash a little of my wild side! hehe. the sexiest i've known, perfect body you have! anyway, that's not what i'm dying to say. i am honestly honestly thankful for you and your warm motherly company when i need it. i remember how i'll just tell you about my aching heart and how you'll share your experience with me. i needed all of that at that point of time. i am also thankful for your company and for being able to tell me whatever that's troubling you without any hesitation.
all the meet ups with you and eudy were great! i hope nothing changes as we grow old with time and i promise i'll be here to let you rant whenever you need to. love you von!

eudy:
oh wan qian! i am so sorry i got your chinese name wrong the other time! i will brush up on my chinese, eh but your chinese is as terrible as mine so... yeah scrap that thought. haha. you are so annoying and i love you so much for that. please stop bugging people with you and your nonsense eudy! hehehe. thank you talking sense into me when i say stupid or do stupid things. i'll never forget you for being there for me physically and emotionally when i'm at my lowest during the oip trip. i hope feechi is a human so you'll marry feechi and live happily ever after hehehe. forgive me for whatever i have done wrong and don't leave. love you eudy!

p.s. when are we meeting?! both of your (you and von) gifts are still lying on my beautiful bed room floor!

sammi:
pancakes, talk about pancakes.
i know i haven't been making time for you and i am really sorry for that! you need love man, i swear you need some love. before i pronounce you gay, please prove me wrong. hahhahaha. the guy older than you isn't all that bad what...
that aside, i really wish you well sam. no strictly pancakes if we are ever going to meet for breakfast in the future. i can hear the baileys pancakes screaming for us already!

aloysius:
thank you for leaving my life so abruptly and thank you for not turning back.
because if you didn't do what you have done, i wouldn't be able to see how much i have been losing out in life and i wouldn't have met that one boy that i am sure of.
so from the bottom of me, i thank you for that, aloysius.

last not not least,

josh/dear/the buff boy:
i have yet to get over the fact that everything started on twitter, how cliche is that! you have been such a darling for the past few months and i hope nothing will change, i don't mind if it's for the better though hehe. remember how awkward our first date was? i can never forget how can you not try to hold my hands in the theatre! it was like the perfect opportunity to warm my hands right! how adorable of you to be so careful with your actions. just the thought of it is making me laugh to myself while typing.
you are such a sweetie when it comes to me but i have to admit you are no tumblr boy but i'll make do with that because in the long run, i don't need superficial happiness. i know that.
thank you for loving me, even when you are angry at me, even when you are disappointed in me and even when i am a pain in the ass.

i am glad to be able to be there for you when you were at your lowest, i'm happy that you are happy now.
have i ever told you that i think your siblings are really nice to be with, even if it's for a short short while. kezia and jordan have been really shy but i am happy that they are slowly starting to talk more to me now:)

there're so many things we have yet to go through together as a couple and i know it won't be easy for us but i'm sure we'll be fine. we will be.
i know i have not been very sensible and pleasant with my words and i am sorry for all the nasty things i've said. you know i have so much more to say to you but i'll do it when we meet up.

thank you for being my person, joshua koh yang xuan.
i love you.


thinking thinking thinking.
okay, thought.

my resolutions will be my little secret, so fat hope in trying to dig it from me.
i am done thinking about the past. here's me living the now and here's to a brand new year.
have a blessed 2013 everyone! ♥

am i only worth this much?
so much that you won't even fight for me anymore?

shit.
what have i got myself into.

what should i do, tell me. because i might just leave this hanging if nobody does.

when i don't want to talk or tweet about it means i'm really too upset to the point to do anything, anything at all.

i love you, i do. i want to feel the same, coming from you. i'm getting used to the quiet tonight. i would have replied if i'm assured of myself and assured of you. thing is, i'm not.

i'm so sorry for being this upset.

in seven.

me

josh

town

awkward

movie

boring

pastry

pancakes

earl grey

elf ears

clarity

wolf

brows

beef

arms

weird

funny

walk

train

mall

154

home

need to start weighing my options.

i have worked too hard to throw it all away.

hurry up.

you really got me thinking for the past few nights and i am still clueless on what i am searching for. i am still afraid that all these will eventually lead to nothing.
i've been wanting to know but i don't think it's right to bring it up since we made a pact or whatever they call it. so here's me wondering.

is she why you are talking to me?
whatever it is, i know i always have the tangs to fall back on.

the getaway is perfect for me. i need fo take a breather and compose myself.

i'm glad i'm not in love.